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Wednesday, February 4th, 2009
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3:32 pm
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2009
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7:59 pm
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I feel like I am over all the crazy ranting. I am letting it slide into the back of my mind.
Keeping myself busy with anything and everything and making drama happen now to forget about the drama from then.
Its funny how unimportant something so important can become if you distract yourself enough.
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| Saturday, September 27th, 2008
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2:19 pm
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No more job. Things fall apart.
I have been falling back into bad thoughts and bad habits and an over all sense of ugliness.
The world has been ugly lately, but I have hope again.
Earth Dance has restored some of my hope.
and also made me realize that I want to change. myself and my life and my space.
I dont think I want to live here anymore.
I may not want to continue school anymore.
I still want and hope to talk to jeffery again. I am still waiting to drop everything to do what I know is best for me.
I just want to live and love and be in love while i live.
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| Saturday, June 21st, 2008
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3:33 pm - just because they can't feel it too...doesn't mean that you have to forget...
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I love how much you can learn about yourself and about life in one day. one moment even.
I have been having a lot of these moments lately. I truly think that I am beginning to grow, maybe even grow up.
It is hard to say what will happen over the summer, and next year. A lot of changes will occur. I may move even. I may drop out of college, or maybe I'll start to love and appreciate it. I may find the perfect job. I may become a nude figure model for 20 dollars an hour.
I got a kitten yesterday. A woman was giving them away in the Rite Aid parking lot, and he was screaming, but the moment I picked him up he was quiet and he clung to me so hard it broke my heart. The moment that I said I would keep him, the woman and her 5 kids jumped into her car and sped away. I was left standing there holding this kitten in bewilderment, not even sure how or why I had him.
It is funny how things and people and animals randomly appear in your life, and then stay in it, become a part of it.
current music: the call - regina spektor.
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| Sunday, March 23rd, 2008
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4:32 pm
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everything changes with time.
even my attitude.
I have officially let everyone go that has let me go.
adventures here i come.
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| Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
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6:11 pm - jigsaw falling into place
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The world is closing in on me.
I am ungrateful, wasting my money and time.
wasting my life away.
the days have become a sick cycle of mundane concerns.
I would really like to do something crazy tonight. Something insanely reckless.
But, instead I will try to study for my "big exam" tomorrow. worry and struggle to remember a million different definitions for a million different cells in a million plants.
and get drunk and forget it all.
then get up and start the cycle over.
kill me.
I dont even want to be here.
I dont even want this life.
I never did.
emo bullshit.
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| Sunday, January 6th, 2008
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8:04 pm
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When did my life become such a chaotic mess?
When did everything stop being fun?
When did my personality get so sour and frigid?
When will I realize that I make myself unhappy?
Maybe, right now.
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| Tuesday, January 1st, 2008
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11:14 pm - whatever.
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I had a fairly shitty new years, but I blame no one but myself for the outcome of the night.
The past few days have been... interesting to say the least.
made a few bad decisions, a few very surprising decisions, and am still waiting on the good ones to roll around.
I have about 15 resolutions, which are more things that annoy me about myself that I am going to try to do less.
I realize and am able to appreciate the fact that I am at my lowest low. I have never been this depressed, angry, upset, sad, lonely, alone, etc. And although at first I found the whole thing even more depressing than it already is.
I am starting to realize that it actually means that it can only get better from here. Eventually I will either begin to feel better and change the way I feel about myself and the world. Or, I will completely shut off from the world.
Either way, it will be better.
So, although I am probably the only person that did not drink last night, nor have I really had the chance to drink since I have been in ohio, I am letting it go, and accepting that I will once again be sober tonight.
I am also accepting that I cannot please everyone, or really anyone but myself.
I also honestly feel like my unhealthy obsession with jeffery is slowly starting to fade. Maybe all I needed to do was be faced with the raw truth of the matter, and of course having really amazing sex with someone I really like also helped a lot.
I guess I just realized that I will find someone to be happy with, even if its not him.
And from what I can tell, its not mean't to be.
and if thats the way the ball is going to roll, that is just fine.
words/phrases I am going to try to stop saying : awesome, "are you sure", "you know...".
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| Saturday, December 29th, 2007
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6:14 pm
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i live in a dream world.
i expect things to work out the way i imagine they will
and then im crushed when they dont.
fuck it. i will not be miserable in ohio.
im going to have fun even if it kills me.
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| Tuesday, December 25th, 2007
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10:27 pm - a day in the life used to be a good band.
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rachael will not be quiet and polite anymore. she is fucking sick of that shit.
i have been thinking a lot about my thoughts, what I focus on in my mind. and it is fucking ridiculous. I can no longer sit around in a beautiful place and be miserable because things arnt the way that I want them to be, or thought that they would be. I am going home in two days. and I feel so grateful to have so many people back home that want to see me. miss me. I think about that, and then I think about how my entire soul is focused on the one person who is NOT getting a hold of me, who does NOT seem to want to see me. I fucking love this man. I have loved him since I was a fucking child at a junior high dance. I have all these thoughts in my head about "romantic gestures" and "how i will win him back." fuck it. fuck those thoughts. As much as I feel that I need to prove that I have changed, I dont even think he has the balls to leave his fucked up situation. I dont even know if his situation is fucked up, or what the situation even is.
I am a 20 year old woman and I need to fucking grow up. I need to decide what I want, make it clear what I want, and if I dont get it. I need to gracefully accept it and move on.
I know that jeffery is my man, without a doubt. He is my heart and soul and I am his. This is a fact that has been proven over and fucking over. I dont need any more proof.
The only proof he needs, he knows he has already gotten. So what the fuck is stopping him now?
Some teenage girl that he met and only got with because he was trying to get over me? And now he is scared to hurt her fucking feelings?
I think the truth of the matter would break her heart all together.
if that is going to stop him, then maybe he doesn't deserve me anyways.
Anyways. I guess what I am bitching about is my fear. I am terrified of being rejected by the only person in the world that has ever loved me unconditionally. The only person that I thought would never desert me.
The thing is, I am feeling pretty deserted.
I am fucking sick of bitching about Jeffery.
Whoever (if anyone) reads this, I bet your a bout sick of hearing about jeffery and how he is breaking my heart.
so you know what.
its done.
I will get off that plane, I will try to contact him. I will even go so far as to call his friends and try to trick him into seeing me. Maybe it wont work, Maybe it will. But maybe its not supposed to.
Maybe if he really loved me, and wanted to be with me, I wouldnt have to find him.
Because he would be waitin for me.
and if he is not, if he has changed his opinion of me and what we are, then I am going to quit bitching. and accept it.
People have gone through much worse than this.
And even if the thought of being with out him makes me sick, the truth will set me free.
And if it doesn't work out, at least I know that I have a lot of great fucking friends to party with and love while I am there.
but god, am I hoping for him to open his fucking eyes.
(fuck these rants. im done.)
see you in ohio.
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| Sunday, December 16th, 2007
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8:57 pm - winter is here
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I get lost, caught up in the dreams in my head that almost seem real to me at times. I look back on what I have written in here and I am, perplexed, how did I come to that state of mind? Currently, I am back in the rut, the emptiness. Maybe I always am, it is only on special days, small fragments of time, that I am able to put it all in the back of my mind. It is not like I dont know that everyone has sadness. Half of my sadness stems from the fact that everyone I see and know seems a little lonely, a little lost, and definantly sad. Even happy people make me feel this immense sadness. I feel like people have lost their direction, their focus. Everyone is out to have a good time, go to school, find a job, make money.
When did that become what life was about?
I dont want to do any of those things anymore. I am sick of school. food. drinking. smoking. sleeping.
I crave the feeling of contentment that I see in my head, I crave this feeling that I get when I think about anything remotely related to him.
Going to a movie together. Winter fresh gum. Sitting on his couch watching him roll a joint. Hot summer days with nothing to do. sitting on his lap, on his porch in the winter. snow covering every inch of space.
I crave him. I crave his voice and his thoughts and his soul. I mostly really just crave his presence.
He would not even have to speak to me, or look at me. I just want to be able to look at him and know that he is still real. Sometimes I feel like I made my whole life up in my head, like none of it happened.
Lately I have been asking myself why I feel like everything stems from him. I felt sad before he shut me out. I left ohio because I felt sad. I think. I think that is why I did it. I am really not sure what I was looking for anymore. I definantly dont regret my current position, even if it sucks, even if it kills me slowly. If I hadn't come out here, I never would have come to my current state of mind. I never would have realized that everything I ever wanted was inside the boy who had always loved me. I never would have been able to take the time to dissect my memories. How could I have been so blind to what was happening to me? I dont even think I paid attention once, in the 5 years that i knew him. Did I ever listen?
I never even realized that I was shutting him out. shutting me out. shutting out anything that came remotely close to love.
I still do. I still run from every glimmer of hope that comes my way. When someone is nice to me here, I feel distrusting, like something must be wrong with them. even when there isn't, I find a reason.
When I talk to people, I am not even listening to myself. I can speak without even paying attention to the present moment. I am constantly thinking about hte past, or envisioning the future. And all of these thoughts center around him. When I think about that, I feel like one of those obsessed crazy people. And when I try to talk to people about him, or what I think about him and me, they react in a way that makes me think that maybe i am crazy.
Of course, then I think about him, and all of the crazy shit he did to prove his love to me. and i know that i have not done half as much. i haven't been half as crazy and obsessed. It is just my turn.
I dont care if no one believes me, I know that our souls are mean't to be together.
what if he doesn't though? or what if he doesn't care, or doesn't want to try. or doesn't see a way to try?
what if he chickens out?
I have spent the past.... year envisioning what it would be like to see him again. What I would say and where I would be and how I would get him there. I have a thousand different scenes and scripts. A thousand different endings. I have obsessed over this. and will continue to until I am there, standing in troy. and then what? will I go stand on his girlfriends porch and ring the doorbell? will I call first? will I even be brave enough to face her? Can I really handle seeing the girl that he replaced me with?
no. I dont think I can handle it.
but I know for sure that i cannot handle not knowing, i cannot handle being shut out like this anymore.
i cannot handle the present situation that i find myself in.
I need to know if he still loves me, wants me.
I know he still thinks about me. but is it enough?
is it painful for him to be without me? like he always made it seem in the past.
god. i need to know.
even if he says no and breaks my heart. atleast something will have happened. atleast i will know where to go from there.
atleast I can stop dreaming and scheming and planning and hoping and killing myself inside.
fuck it. smoke a cigarette and think of him. maybe he is smoking one too. right this moment.
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| Sunday, December 9th, 2007
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4:16 pm - Rejoice and Recoil
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I think that I am starting to be able to visualize what I want to do and how I want to go about it. But, not really. There is too much on my list of things to learn and use. I want to become an organic gardener, and herbalist. I want to own an animal shelter, and a restaurant. I want to make lots of money doing something legit, and something not so legit. I want to live in ohio, and in california.
is it possible, do-able? maybe.
I am thinking of taking over the family buisness, or atleast learning the trade of...sandpaper.
I am also scheming up an intense and insane roadtrip with jay this summer. although, i think it will have to happen for me with our without jay. I want to make a book on this trip, and fill it with the essence of the trip. and then maybe publish and sell this story/book. an art, poetry, prose journal of sorts. It will be a hit. we can sell it to urban outfitters. i haven't told jay this yet though. but im sure she is up for it.
it will be fantastic.
as will my life. if i focus and make it happen. which i think iwill.
i hope.
i hope that i get what i want in life.
and i hope everyone else does too.
whatever it may be that they want.
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| Tuesday, November 20th, 2007
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12:29 pm
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life has a way of constantly making me feel wary.
I feel as if at any moment, everything could go to shit.
I guess that is sort of a religion.
Although, I know that I dont live "each day like its my last"
although i should.
because its damn true.
I am constantly waiting for the next disaster. anticipating. worrying.
it is bad for my mental health.
I thought I was okay with waiting and wondering, but I am not.
I am going to be a crazy bitch.
because its the best way I know how to deal with situations that I cannot control.
like him.
i love my cat. miss my friends. love my family and love the feeling of immense possibilit.es
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2007
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9:23 pm
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I just want everyone and anyone to know that I am doing well.
I have discovered a remarkable part of myself that had not truly blossomed until this weekend.
I am slightly able to imagine what I want now.
I experienced a Tibetan Buddhist retreat, and I could not tell you the last time I felt so comfortable and understood. I felt light and slightly dizzy from the calmness.
I am more than intrigued, I am convinced.
Also, I am at peace with my mental struggles with and about jeffery, we will reunite very soon, and it will be bliss.
love.
rachael.
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| Friday, October 26th, 2007
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7:21 pm
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but you'll fight it & you'll make it through, you'll fake it if you have to, & you'll show up for work with a smile. & you'll be better, & you'll be smarter, more grown up & a better daughter......
Today is my 20th birthday.
It doesn't feel like a day any different from any other.
The people that I hold so dear, that I build up in my head as my "close," "best," friends didn't remember... or care.
None of them.
Not that I remember my friends birthdays much... but when they make a point of reminding me I do.... I thought I did that. sorta.
not that I really wanted a "birthday" thing. I just... feel like shit today.
Its just that I am always so homesick and feel like no one here gets me and no one here cares....that my friends are so great and all...
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| Tuesday, October 9th, 2007
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9:03 pm
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Jeffery,
I fucking love you.
Dont you fucking get it.
No matter how long it takes.
No matter how fucking long you make me wait, and wonder, and wish.
I can't fucking help it.
I love you.
and when I come back home in December, I am going to find you. and tell you. and kiss you.
and I dont give a fuck what your 16 year old girlfriend says does or thinks.
What will it take to get a fucking response from you.
Love,
Rachael.
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| Friday, September 28th, 2007
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6:58 pm
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by the way when i re-read these entries i sound like a 13 year old girl.
I am not.
I am 19.
im not sure what that means.
i am still 13 on livejournal maybe.
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10:02 am
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The only thing consistent in life.. is change.
Sometimes it seems like growing up is the process of giving those things up. One by one. I guess we all have one thing we regret giving up. One thing we really miss. That we gave up because we were too lazy or, we couldn't stick it out or, because we were afraid.
Some people pass through your life and you never think about them. And there are some you think about, and wonder "whatever happened to them"? Some you wonder if they ever wondered what happened to you. And then there are those... you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.
oh dear.
i have a boyfriend now.
how did that happen.
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| Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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9:34 am - time goes by
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I have moved to a wonderful clean perfect little apt. with my cat, i couldn't have found a better place. I have been getting really behind in school, and subsequently have two papers that are supposed to be revised and turned in by tomorrow morn. I dont know if I will even try to get it done. I hate doing shit that I dont find to be worth my time, like revising an essay I wrote a year ago about art. Oh well.
I met this boy. Erin. Erin is pretty much everything I have ever wanted. He is a musician in a really great band, he makes jewelry, (has already made me a beautiful wire wrap.) he seems to basically believe in what I believe in, he has a big afro of beautiful curly dark hair, he is tall, he is beautiful. AND he has been passively pursuing me all week and all I do is get nervous, quiet, and passive too. I know he likes me.... He has come over every night all week, last night he brought beer and movies and we STILL didnt even kiss. We have great conversations and I basically drool over him, and then when he goes to leave he gives me a really awkward hug....and then goes. This has happened three days in a row. Plus over the weekend when I went to see his amazing band preform. What am I so scared of, Why dont I just make the damn move, why doesnt he, will it ever happen.
because I know that this is good for me, I know that he is good for me. Oh yeah, and he is from ohio. hahaha. That is the funniest part of all. I move all the way to NorCal, to meet and fall for a boy from Ohio.
The thing is, I dont think I will ever have the guts to be the one to make the move. and I dont think he will either. I mean, maybe. It was close last night. I really really really like this guy and I really want to kiss him and such... I just dont have the fuckin guts. weak.
in other news, daniel still drives me crazy, still seeing him on occasion, dont know what I will do if Erin and I really do start something, I cant imagine letting daniel go.....
i miss my damn friends.
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| Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
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10:17 am - pictures of you
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I know that he probably never looks at this anymore. I know that jay was probably right, he probably wont call back. I probably wont hear from him again...
He just... seemed exactly as I had remembered him. I felt hope again. I thought he did too. I guess I was wrong to believe that our need for eachothers love surpasses our need for anything else.
I know that I will go on, just fine. I just, I really believed he would call again, like he said.
I just dont understand what could be more important than talking to the one that you love.
Other than that, which I hide away very deep inside. (I will never let myself talk about him with anyone here again.) I am doing well. I have good classes, good friends, good cat, good life. But I can't pretend that I am not lonely, constantly. I have a deep sadness within me that I cannot free. I cannot let go.
Whenever I am around Daniel I start to cry. I am not sure why, maybe because he is the only person I have to cry in front of. The only person to give me affection.
Its not true, he is the only person I will allow to give me affection. because im really screwed up.
really screwed up.
I dont know.
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